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Saturday, February 16th, 2008
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hmmmmm so i should start writing in this again huh?
i'll get back to you on that...
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Wednesday, April 11th, 2007
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| a little late... | i wrote this last week on a napkin.. a big napkin . A stepping stone towards failure. A stepping stone towards greatness. One towards self doubt. One toward self worth. I'm stretching in between the two as far as I can move. But really I'm just standing here. Not growing. Not moving. Not anything. Won't it change? Will I always be this way? Out of the loop. Out of the circle. Out of time. Out of money. Out of reasons. Out of excuses. Or always just me: Out of my mind. I can't go to bed feeling like this. I'm so unhappy. And so unsatisfied. Something needs to change before I lay my head to rest. But I can think of nothing to change how terrible I feel at this moment. Deep breath. Deep breath. Relaxation. Clear mind. Please ehlp. Relieve me of this damn it. Angry sleep is no way to sleep at all. How horrible to toss and turn in such a way. To wake in the morning, I will not have rested at all. ps. this isnt about you. its about ME. get off it. |
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Monday, December 11th, 2006
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AT LEAST!
at FUCKING least i know i've always been myself. and i will always be myself. and i will not follow what you say or do or look or feel or believe.
wow people are super duper fantastic.
and im too old for this shit.
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Sunday, December 10th, 2006
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so the surgery wasnt so horrible. i was so scared. and ended up feeling nothing. that night though after the bleeding through show i got really sore. and took the rest of the week off . felt quite fragile . so during the week i spent my quality time being cute with my baby boy. laying around. and crotcheting like a mother fucker. im making a bunch of things for my friends for christmas this year. all this time on my hands and all these wonderful doctors bills. give me a lot of extra time and little amounts of money.
i've been so happy lately. lastnight i went to jake's birthday party and realized that iv been trying to be someone i'm not. i try to have these clicks all the time when im really the kind of person to be friends with everyone. to walk around a party alone and say hi to everyone and party with everyone. i dont need a crutch. i just end up hurting myself. i just need to know that i AM that strong.
i heart guinness stew from royal mile.
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Monday, November 27th, 2006
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im not pretty, im just different.
the foot is getting better. i know i probably shouldn't of bowled lastnight. but it was calling my name. and seeing clint get beat by a girl just made me o so happy.
still no car and its really hard for me. i want to see all my friends but i dont want to bother them with rides so i just hangout with the usual crowd of hooligans. but yeah so.
if any of you have realized you kind of miss me. .then call me and lets hangout. i would love to see some old faces. new faces. just smiling ones
:-D
it is such a gloomy day. so misty and foggy and just wonderful. makes me think that anything could happen today.
i hope something does.
991.5219
miss gina b
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Monday, November 20th, 2006
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late last night i got home from a long weekend of old friends.
i layed in bed with all my clothes on.
my baby cat jumped onto my chest.
if i can always come home to her i will be the luckiest gurl in the world.
i layed there petting her til i fell asleep.
her coat seemed so much softer than usual.
maybe it had been so long that i FORGOT how wonderful she really was.
i get off work today and im going to nap with my kittyy. cuz she is wonderfullllllllllllllll.
im in love with a cat.
fuck im scrwdddd
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Tuesday, November 14th, 2006
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my stomach just turned upside down. inside out. and around 3 times.
i cant stand that im here and he's there.
i cant stand not having control of the situation.
i cant stand not being able to talk to him.
i cant stand not being able to hold him.
but i feel like there's nothing i can do to change any of this.
except let him know i care.
and that im not leaving.
and that my feelings will never change.
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Tuesday, September 12th, 2006
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line one.
years have gone by. and i'm seeing the same faces.
LINE TWO.
and i'm dealing with the same people. the same problems. the same pain. the same arguments.
line 3.
i try to meet new people. go new places. and i just can't keep hold.
line #4.
maybe a permenant move needs to happen. or maybe a permanent hide needs to happen.
or maybe a permanent man.
i'm tired of these cycles. being used. being hurt. being used being hurt.
and i help help help. and i love love love.
wow ..
i am beating a dead horse.
not even that. i'm beating my friends around making sure they like me. making sure everything is ok. i cant just leave things be. i have to fuss. about everything.
no wonder im no fun to be around.
Gina. you are a fun HATER.
fin.
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welp im going to cornerstone!
i decided last minute . and my friend was nice enough to act like he has room in his van for me. hopefully this is what i really need. cuz nothing else is working.
luv u all bibi!
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Thursday, June 22nd, 2006
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my head is spinning!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i want my car back. its been 2 days. what the hell. in 2 weeks my damn car fucking dies twice. i have to spend so much damn money! and i dont even have any money..
im looking for jobs...
i already waitress. i think im guna be a cashier at the truck stop down the street from me... and then probably hot topic in the evenings... thats money right? and discounts on clothes.
im thinhking about moving to my dad's. he has an attic for me . nothing but a mattress, computer, paints, and my sewing machine... thats all i need... and makeup. lots of makeup.
i wana lock myself up. i need some creative time. and im just not feeling it in my room. so im moving..
far away.
miss me?
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i can't decide if going on out town this weekend was good or not...
i mean, i know i had the greatest fucking time and i was on top of the fucking world. i think i was even smiling, laughing, and happy crying IN MY SLEEP! it was so great.
and now im home. and back to reality or whatever this life is. and its horrible. i feel ten times worse being here. im meant for the road.
im starting to feel like having friends that are on tour is just as bad as being on tour and missing your friends. to all my friends on the road right now "be safe. come back soon". dont forget about me. hah what am i saying. they wont. they cant.
im tired of this so-so life. but i cant even get some damn jumper cables to get my ass in GEAR!
im lazy pathetic evertyhing.... it makes my skin crawl.... ::cue crawling skin::
blha blah blah. complain complain complain.
" I WANA DANCE!"
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FYI. if you lose your car. no one will call to hangout with you.
o wait. maybe thats just my case..
sorry everyone i dont have a car. it died. and i miss you all i didnt do anything this weekend... cuz none of you called me back.
woo hoo..
can you feel the love?? nope
just a cold lonely wind up my skirt.
ccccccccccya
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lastnight was the cutest date ever. (him and the events ) hah
he picks me up.
we go to Thai Flavors for dinner . (the most fried rice i've ever seen in my life!)
we go mini golfing! (i was kickin his ass the first 9. but that back 9 i just couldnt concentrate with the cuteness and the smiles and the awwwww)
and then we almost ran out of ideas but i decided that a cute lil movie like the Omen would be a good idea.
awwwwwww... sooo cute!!!!!
and then he moves far away on sunday.....
hey gina... why are you always bad at boys....
just not my best subject huh.
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SUCK IT.
SUCK IT DRY!.
im in love...
syke!
i have strep throat.
double syke!
(that means they cancel each other out..... and i do... yes ...
i gots ..................... sickies)
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hmm...
yesterday i woke up in the afternoon. feelingjust wonderful. and a half hour later i was on the road to omaha to see karim..last minute decision but the band he's touring with had a day off and i just missed that lil guy too much.
it was awesome. mostly just walkin everywhere. eating everything. and talking each other's heads off.
what a solid bro.
<3 to him.
feels good to know your friends are still there for you...... especially after 10 months of not seeing one another..
HOLLA BOI.
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Wednesday, May 24th, 2006
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dear gina.
shape up!
stop being sucha fucking pussy. your numb to this world! act like it...
STOP CRY*ING all the time.
fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck it
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i like to eat eat eat Epples and be NENEs.
im so fucking funny!
many many years ago! and no... i cant focus. and yes... i had a few drinks.
why i oughta!
tonight is guna be fun times! yay for Me.
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my bday is this weekend.
i think im guna go shopping for a sweet dress or something.
anyone wana supervise?
anyone wana get me gifts? i fully approve. (free drug gifts? even more approval)
HA.
presents in the form of sexual favors? yup. i like that TOO!
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sup mosh boi.
deMz sum HAWT moves you got..
holla holla holla
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recently i have come to realize my life is going through some rocky rocky roads. i havent been out of town or gone on any road trips in what seems like forever. i've been missing mineapolis since november. and ive been missing my girlfriend in cedar rapids for a few months too. those were my stress relievers. getting away for the weekend or even a week to see people that care for me and love me unconditionally. no questions asked. i came back to des moines refreshed and new.
well lately i have been very broke. my 2 cars are extremely unreliable and i've been anchored here in des moines. though i have been able to make great friends and meet a wonderful boy, my anxiety gets worse and worse. i am scared of everything and my nerves are always quite frazzled. i get so scared that i cant even ride in other people's cars without covering my eyes or face so i dont see the road. my boy got a trampoline for his birthday recently. i cant even jump on it with people becuase i am afraid of falling and getting hurt. for a while i thought my apendix would burst at any moment. my ovaries were rotting. tumors. brain cancer. anything and everything was wrong. and i was going to die. as of lately i need to go to the doctor and get another lump checked out. matching breast cancer scars!! woo hoo .. syke. i dont know why im bothering. i have livejournal. i am just scared. if i cant control something, it is my automatic enemy. its there to hurt me.
what if i never get out of this place.?. what if i become too scared to leave this town.?. what if i lose all those far off friendships waiting for me? im scared. of everything.
ps. my birthday is coming up . itd be sweet if ya'll got me sumthing. even if its just a card. i need reassurement.. (is that a word)? fuck.
bbq time.
gina b
"nervous nancy"
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